Two seasons down

Memorial Day in the US usually acts as the unofficial start to summer; Beach house rentals begin; men can wear white pants, women white shoes; sandals are allowed; flexible summer work hours apply. Summer!

With Memorial Day weekend occurring last weekend, I realized that two of the toughest seasons had passed since hiatus began. Winter, where I want to wrap myself in Scottish cashmere and find a flattering Henri Bendel sweater, and Spring, where I want to shed the dark and heavy clothes of winter and find a bright Prada floral print. This year, I still wanted to do those things, but didn't. So how do I feel about deliberately spending (no pun intended) these two seasons without buying clothes (or shoes or belts or jewelry or anything like that)?

Well I wanted to say that I felt good or okay about it. But then I thought about those words and how bland and unrevealing they are when it comes to emotions. What do they really mean besides "I'm not able to/don't want to really describe how I feel so stop asking me."?

So I went a bit deeper and examined whether I really felt okay or good about this. I realized while I wanted to feel good about my hiatus and wanted to feel that I had done something big on a small scale regarding examining my life (since according to Socrates, an unexamined life is not worth living), I wasn't feeling that at all. I feel deprived!

Once the emotional floodgates opened, the feelings of guilt and depression came - how can I feel deprived because I haven't shopped in six months when there are people starving out in the world and living on the streets with their possessions in shopping carts? And then, as the emotional coup d'ėtat, frustration rears its ugly head (guilt and depression still gripped in its sharp teeth), because I can't back out of hiatus at this point (I'd feel ashamed and a failure) even though I would love to go out and pick up some new Roxy beachwear for my upcoming sailing trip and a pair of FitFlops that are all the rage and I just know will look great on me with a new summer skirt.

At this point no one should be wondering why I remain in therapy.